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Scared of Daddy Long Legs

Empty Nests, What comes next... it can be great! Lessons I have learned along the way... 

Castles

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Posted : Apr 29, 2012 at 7:05AM

The castles that I have been building,

all have washed away~

No matter how large I build them,

they don't ever seem to stay

And so I cried out to the Lord,

"Oh why don't my castles stand?"

That's when my Savior answered me

"Because you've built them all on sand."

 

Diane Reed

Do Overs

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Posted : Apr 22, 2012 at 9:06AM

If I could do it all again

would I make the same mistakes?

Would I bypass all the times

when I know my heart would break?

Would I still fall in love

with the father of my kids?

Would I do the dumb things

I remember that I did?

If I could go back,

and undo everything I’ve done…

Would I trade it all

to once again be young?

It is a tempting question,

to consider what I’d do,

to be able to wipe the slate clean,

To undo the things I wish I didn’t do…

And yet, I have to wonder

what the trade off would have to be

if I undid my life…

And could re-invent the one called “me

Even with all I now know…

and the lessons I have learned~

The “Do Over” I could have,

and the places I’d return,

I would still have to choose

all I know of in this life

If it meant being someone else’s mother

and someone else’s wife!

For all the ones that I have loved…

makes it worth it in the end~

To live the life with the ones I’ve loved

Yes~

I’d do it all again.

Hopefully with lessons learned

to make some slight revisions~

To gift me with the wisdom of today

In tomorrow’s new decisions.

 

Diane Reed

Posted in :

Like a car accident.

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Posted : Jan 13, 2012 at 6:00AM

Have you ever woken up on a Sunday morning and blinked and all of a sudden you find yourself smack in the middle of Friday? Have you ever meant to return a phone call or reply to a text or an e-mail on Monday and realized by Thursday you still hadn't? Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed by life that instead of doing what I know is right, even what I actually want to do, I somehow retreat so inside of myself that I miss out on my present life. I talk myself into thinking that I am too tired or that I need to rest or I need to turn my brain off and make the world go away. And before I know it, a whole weekend has passed by and instead of making a memory, I find myself right back where I started, back to work... in what you might call the Monday's of my life.  Over and over and over again... It always seems as if life is passing me by.

I don't want to have a list of regrets or a bucket list that never got touched. I look back at my life once upon a time when every minute was maximized with activities that I truly wanted to do. Boating, camping, even soaring filled my days. I went to bed tired and woke up with joy . You know, that is what is different. I don't wake up with joy anymore. Every day I was ready to do more.  Was it because I was so busy that I seemed to be able to fill my days with so much? I remember when my babys were little. I couldn't wait to experience life with them, to hear what new word they might say and to just live life with them. Today my parents live right up the street and I know that someday all my best intentions for having them over for dinner more often or stopping in for a visit will be lost. I know that when my children were two or three, it seemed like just yesterday and wasn't it just yesterday that I was nineteen or twenty?

I know that somewhere deep down inside I still feel like I am, nineteen  or at least thirty two. And now I have a son who will be that age on his next birthday and a daughter who is old enough to live on her own and really doesn't have to check in with me daily any more but still does out of the kindness of her heart, and at times I feel as if I am on the other side of the guage and wonder are my kids feeling like they need to spend more time with me or they will be sorry?  I wonder how did I ever find myself here? Slipping down this thing called life like sand through an hour glass?

Life seems to have happened to me like a car accident. You don't really remember when the metal hit the flesh, when the impact took your breath away, when you seemed to not be so in control of your body any longer. I feel as if I am back and forth in a mental kind of therapy, a wake up call so to speak.  I have physically challenged myself to be in the mode of self repair... losing 40 or 50 pounds depending on where I am in my journey at the moment, growing my hair a little longer, exercising a little more, actually learning how to jog again, taking care of my skin and teeth more deligently and really feeling more motivated to write and finally snatch the  dream of officially calling myself a writer. And then there is spiritually, as I try to somehow find my way back to God, sometimes clawing my way back, as I dangle over the cliff of letting go and grasping at anything I can to scramble back up and find Him.  I know He is there. I know He never left. I know because I have come back before to find Him patiently waiting for me in the very same place He always is, like a parent waiting for a tardy daughter.

Recently I have even succumbed to something I said I never would, I have found myself in therapy. I have never trusted anyone enough, to want to really go through that door. I have never felt that  I could, after working in that field for so many years, I had extreme judgements regarding it. But I had reached a place in my life where a little talk therapy couldn't hurt and if you know me, you know that talking is not where I fall short. My therapist is amazing. She draws ideas out of me that I never thought of before. She doesn't go for the most obvious but makes me dig deep down inside and start at the first layer. She explains about how we all have containers in our lives that we keep trying to fill, and depending on how many holes we have in those containers and how we fill them is the key.

 For some reason during our last session, I felt as if I left with more tools, and that I was finally "getting" where and what my holes were and that it was up to me to fill them... NO ONE else was going to do it for me, even if they wanted to. I have always been sad that I never got a chance to say good bye to my grandma or my dad or my ex husband before they died. My Grandma and I had a really special relationship when I was a child, but the selfishness of my youth and my busy schedule as a wife and mother and then my divorce and lack of finances and the miles between us always seemed to be an excuse as to why I never got around to visiting her when she got sick. My dad dropped dead of a heart attack jogging around the block at 51 and there was no warning and by the time my ex husband asked me to come see him and by the time I finally arrived, all he could manage to say was he was" sorry" and all I could say was that  it was all "okay" and in that moment it was but in the years since, I have had dreams of conversations I really wanted to have  with him, but never got the chance to and grieved the closure I felt that one last conversation might have given us.

But during my last counseling session it dawned on both of us that in all the things I was grieving, I was really grieving my youth. And for some reason just the knowledge of recognizing that filled a huge hole in my container. Recently I have had some "Aha" moments where the light bulb has come on and I am understanding what has become important to me. It is not so much "do overs"  or closure but me feeling satisfied that the ones I have loved in my life know it, without a shadow of a doubt. Recently when I hear a song, I think... I want that song at my funeral. I know, I know, what a morbid thought... but not really. I have come to believe that life is not wasted if it can be a lesson for someone else. I have a very special childhood friend who went to her friend's funeral. Her friend had been inviting her to church for years and my friend got so touched at her funeral, she started attending that church. Now she is so involved there and has brought other friends and family there to attend also. So even in her friend's death, the circle continued.

Life does not have to be like a car accident. We all need to stop driving so fast and slow down and enjoy the view in front of us rather than from the rearview mirror.

Posted in :

God's timing would be a lot quicker without us messing with HIS hour glass!

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Posted : Sep 24, 2011 at 7:45AM

So maybe the next "Joyce Meyers" I am not... but I do like my little title here... Today I feel more sure that I am on my way to finding the answers to some of my questions. And when we really are honest with ourselves, we are on our way our whole lives but WE tend to take that fork in the road we knew deep down inside our soul would not lead us to the final destination that God was leading us to. We are constantly complaining about "God's Timing" but maybe He would have shown us the way a lot sooner if we had listened to that inner voice that told us to stay in the direction we were on and to NOT take that bend in the road. But what did we do? We ignored that voice and trudged ahead to the places WE wanted to travel.

 We are like rebelious children who want what we want...

The kid who climbs up on the counter to reach for the cookie jar only to have everything come crashing down. We didn't even get the cookie in the end when if we had done it the right way we could have had as many as we wanted after dinner but we just couldn't wait and now our cookies were spilled all over the floor, with broken glass and there would be no more cookies for us for that day at least.

How many times does God set out that proverbial hour glass as we learn our lessons and the sand has almost finished the journey down the hour glass and we come barreling in with our own plans, not understanding that God had put that hour glass there for a reason and see it and think we better start it now so we can get to the end and turn it over to have to start back at the very beginning even though God had been ready to give us what we had prayed for then?

 HInd sight is 20/20 but for me it is 350/350! The lenses always seem clouded lately and I am constantly turning over the hour glass in my walk with the Lord.

It's really not rocket science. I understand that Faith is about letting go. Letting God take control. There are all kinds of verses about it. 

Committ your way to the Lord.   Psalm 37:5

I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched;My eyes fail while I wait for my God Psalm 69:3,4

The Ephisians were a group of believers who were rich beyond measure in Jesus but lived like paupers because they were ignorant of their wealth. Maturity in Christ comes with the proper growth in each individual. Working on different parts of our lives, in some cases, not one is any more pivitol than  another. Each area needs attention. You cannot water only half a garden at a time. Sometimes I have forgotten to water something in my own actual garden and am amazed when at times, what once looked hopeless and dried up, begin to turn green again and come to life in due season.

In the same way we are  being rooted and grounded in HIS  love as we learn to trust not our ways but HIS, as we learn that even the deadest amongst us can be revived and restored to give fruit again.

And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, In which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of power of the air, of the spirit, that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh. Indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature, children of wrath, even as the rest.   But God being rich in mercy, because of his great love with which He loved us, even when we were in our trasgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved.) Ephesians 2: 1-5

Somewhere along the way, on one of those journeys where I chose a different path, I lost that message. I forgot about God's grace even though I was right on a path leading me to understanding it more. We mess up, and try to turn over the hour glass once more... But this time... I will wait for God to turn it over and give HIM back the control to decide where HE wants me on my journey.

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Invitation to connect on LinkedIn

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Posted : Sep 30, 2013 at 6:10AM




























 


LinkedIn

 







 







 














Diane Reed

 




From Diane Reed



 

Buyer and Artist at Diane's Designs

San Luis Obispo, California Area

 






















 


 


 


 


 


 



I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.



- Diane



 


 


 



 









 

 







 

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Invitation to connect on LinkedIn

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Posted : Jul 3, 2013 at 8:55AM




























 


LinkedIn

 







 







 














Diane Reed

 




From Diane Reed



 

Buyer and Artist at Diane's Designs

San Luis Obispo, California Area

 






















 


 


 


 


 


 



I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.



- Diane



 


 


 



 









 

 







 

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Posted in :

Invitation to connect on LinkedIn

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Posted : Jan 17, 2013 at 6:00AM



























 


LinkedIn

 







 







 














Diane Reed

 




From Diane Reed



 

Buyer and Artist at Diane's Designs

San Luis Obispo, California Area

 






















 


 


 


 


 


 



I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.



- Diane



 


 


 



 









 

 







 

You are receiving Invitation to Connect emails. Unsubscribe

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Hole Fillers

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Posted : Jun 16, 2012 at 5:09AM

We all have “containers” in life and we all find different ways to fill them. The idea is to fill them with purpose. Things that make our life better. As we fill our containers, the level rises. Just educating ourselves about ourselves begins to plug up those holes that we have made over the years. Some people use people, others use drugs or alcohol or food to fill the holes and what hurts us usually only helps to make our holes bigger.

Spiritual and emotional growth and a whole host of other goals are all the things that help fill the holes and raise the level in our containers. It has taken me years to recognize the good and the bad things I use in my own life to raise the level and the task at hand is becoming more aware of the difference which is a work in progress. I know that for me, writing is a huge hole filler.

My book is sitting in a file just a “click” away and I am totally procrastinating by coming here to share my thoughts. I look at it as priming the pump, or perhaps stretching before a workout! But I know I need to get back to it. Why am I stuck? Could it be because, I am afraid to finish? If I finished, I would have to submit it. If I submit it, I am vulnerable. I can’t be rejected if I don’t present the question for someone to say yes or no.

Recently, I have been taking more chances in my life. The kind of chances that come with the possibility of rection attached. Sometimes it has paid off and at other times I have had to face that vulnerability and it has sucked. Rejection is not the most comfortable place to be. But hey “no” is just a tiny word from a little person in my BIG world. I can make that rejection fill my world and make it bigger than it needs to be or I can brush my shoes off and move on to the next possibility and even bigger opportunity. Sometimes I have forgotten that God is the captain of my ship. And I am the one He has put in charge of His vessel and have to remember NO ONE else is in charge here. No one! I can get opinions from other people until I am drowning in them but ultimately, in the end, I know that I am the one who steers this ship.

I have waited long enough for others to make things happen for me. In turn, I have found myself “stuck.” Only I can make things happen for me. The opportunities aren’t going to come and find me. I am going to believe in me enough to finish that book, to submit it and get a thousand rejections if it will get me to that one finish line where I actually finish the race.

It is always hard to take that first step... Go back to school, apply for a new job, start a new health regimen, or just a new attitude! And perhaps finish a book you have been writing for years! We have power in our own choices. We fill our own containers. We even fill the holes as we figure out what they are, until someday…. Our containers are spilling over!

Posted in : Goal Setting

Say Cheeese!

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Posted : Jun 12, 2012 at 7:35AM

When I was in Junior High POW bracelets and happy face buttons were the rage. Funny, how I can connect two things that are polar opposites. War and happiness. But maybe that is today’s metaphor for my life.Recently, my husband told me that he loves my smile and yet it looks as if I am always fighting against it, smiling that is. After trying to decide if that was a compliment or a creatively disguised dig, I decided to give him a pass and to really contemplate his words.

From as far back as I can remember, I think I have fought happiness. Just looking back at the old black and white photos I have of myself as a kid, I do tend to find more with a silly, half grin than a full on smile. And it makes me sad. Because I don’t think I ever allowed myself to fully experience joy from a very early age.

Lately, I have been on a quest to go back and get that kid and bring her home to the place that she belongs. With all of her disappointments and insecurities, I am not sure if I really want to. And yet I don’t think I have a choice nor can I ever really live in “me” until I do. Inviting this younger version of myself back into my life to really dig deep and explore some of the things I never have about myself is about as comfortable as inviting that obstinate step child who doesn’t want to be anywhere, least of all anywhere near you, to live with you!

As I look inside of myself, back, back, back, into a time in my life where there was joy and harmony, I find a kid with a grape juice stained mouth and a pile of books. I loved my grape juice and my books! I flash on sitting on the counter baking with my mom and can even still smell the glue as I remember watching my dad retile the tile in our bathroom. I remember rides in the car and the Drive in and picking berries on a summer day out in the woods in Washington. I remember feeding the ducks and moving to California and meeting my bestfriend who I have remained best friends with over the decades. And I smile.

But somewhere along the way, that kid got disappointed and things happened in her life that caused her to have a hard time trusting anyone let alone her self, she felt hurt and misunderstood over and over and over again and re-visiting the parts of her pain is not the easiest task at hand. Getting to know the younger version of yourself is about as comfortable as inviting that obstinate step child on a wonderful vacation. But we all need to go there. To interrupt our lives and explore the parts of us that never integrated into our adult self. If we don’t that kid will continually pop back into our life when we are least expecting them. They always seem to appear in the form of anger, or fear or in the deepest part of our sorrow.

I have a feeling my childish self is not going to come or go quietly. She may even go kicking and screaming but I need to trust myself that it is going to be okay. It will be okay for her too. She is safe now, inside of the adult me. I have finally begun to trust myself and to quit relying on everyone else to make it better. To stop living in the past and finally take my own steps into the future. To trust myself and learn to love me and believe in me and KNOW that what I feel about me is enough. I am the boss of me. Well, of course God is the boss of me, but you know what I mean. I have been giving that power to everyone else in my life and I am taking it back from EVERYONE and only giving it to God and me! And I am empowered and the child in me calms and begins to relax in the knowledge that somebody else is in control now.

For so long, I have doubted everything about myself. My intelligence & abilities, my wisdom and even my morals and my own character and just when I fell into the darkest place of my life, that is when I began to see the light, as if lost in a cave, dark and damp, only to find the hope of a ray of light through the cracks. That is where I am now. I have found the light. I may not totally be out of the cave yet but I see the way out and I am going to beat the myth of being stuck in my child. Instead I am going to invite her to come into the light with me and find the joy. I am strong enough and smart enough and brave enough to guide her right to the light where she belongs.

I am going to stop fighting the smile. To believe in the dream that it really is okay to genuinely be happy and take new photographs and to smile really big. And…“Say cheeeeese.” To let everyone know I am happy and that I don’t have to fight it any longer.

Posted in :

Flying Monkeys

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Posted : Jun 11, 2012 at 8:41PM

Once upon a time in a world where I still believed that there was somewhere over the rainbow where people never died and cotton candy couldn’t make you fat cuz it was “fat free” there lived a girl who didn’t believe that Oz was just a little man behind the curtain. I think I watched that movie a dozen times before I realized that there really wasn’t a great and powerful OZ.

I remember back in the day, before there was such a thing as videos or dvds and The Wizard of Oz was a special event in many homes. It usually was shown around Thanksgiving and I remember when we still lived in the Midwest, and came in from a day filled with snow and sledding to watch it by the fire with piping hot mugs filled with steamy hot chocolate, wondering if this time, they would find OZ, forgetting that you could really find everything you were looking for in your own back yard.

Since then, I have continued my own quest for courage and a heart and oh if I only had a brain…I have yet to find a yellow brick road or be guided by the likes of friendly little people down a path attempting to reach the unattainable but I can’t help but suspect that I may have really met up with a wicked old witch a time or two during my journey and have been tempted to throw water on one or two of them to see if they would actually melt! But in the end, I almost missed the whole message that it’s really about finding it all in your own back yard.

The question is what am I looking for? I think it has changed over the years. I know I definitely was looking for love and thought I found it a few times. I definitely could have used that brain during those times and the courage to use it. But hey, when you have those flying monkeys darting at you, it is hard to think!

Actually, I think the paradigm of finding it all in our own back yards was not so much finding anything but a state of mind. To finally rest in the knowledge of that place inside us all, where we can love and not be scared and not need anyone’s approval but our own

Posted in :

Flying Monkeys

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Posted : Jun 11, 2012 at 8:37PM

Once upon a time in a world where I still believed that there was somewhere over the rainbow where people never died and cotton candy couldn’t make you fat cuz it was “fat free” there lived a girl who didn’t believe that Oz was just a little man behind the curtain. I think I watched that movie a dozen times before I realized that there really wasn’t a great and powerful OZ. I remember back in the day, before there was such a thing as videos or dvds and The Wizard of Oz was a special event in many homes. It usually was shown around Thanksgiving and I remember when we still lived in the Midwest, and came in from a day filled with snow and sledding to watch it by the fire with piping hot mugs filled with steamy hot chocolate, wondering if this time, they would find OZ, forgetting that you could really find everything you were looking for in your own back yard.
Since then, I have continued my own quest for courage and a heart and oh if I only had a brain…I have yet to find a yellow brick road or be guided by the likes of friendly little people down a path attempting to reach the unattainable but I can’t help but suspect that I may have really met up with a wicked old witch a time or two during my journey and have been tempted to throw water on one or two of them to see if they would actually melt! But in the end, I almost missed the whole message that it’s really about finding it all in your own back yard.
The question is what am I looking for? I think it has changed over the years. I know I definitely was looking for love and thought I found it a few times. I definitely could have used that brain during those times and the courage to use it. But hey, when you have those flying monkeys darting at you, it is hard to think!
Actually, I think the paradigm of finding it all in our own back yards was not so much finding anything but a state of mind. To finally rest in the knowledge of that place inside us all, where we can love and not be scared and not need anyone’s approval but our own

Posted in :

From the INSIDE out!

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Posted : Jun 11, 2012 at 5:59AM

Last year I lost 50 pounds. This year I gained back 20ish… give or take a few depending on which sorry day I finally decided to step on the scale. I could pat myself on the back and tell me “that’s okay, you still lost 30 or find that magical “click” within, that I found last year. I think we all know the “click” I am talking about. For me it was an irate driver that had barreled out of nowhere to cut me off in traffic spitting out cuss words that an obstinate teen ager should have been ashamed of let alone A man in what must have been his late sixties. Funny thing is, my doctor or health conscious friends didn’t encourage me as much as that pathetically out of control poor soul that called me a “fat” bitch. In-between all the swearing and spitting, the one thing I heard was fat and you know what? If a stranger with issues won’t tell you the truth, who will?

My point is that every time I have felt that “click” which is my very own custom made AHA moment, I have been able to keep up the pace until something causes me to stop. It has happened to me enough times to make me really want to dig in and figure out how to bottle that “click” and to keep swallowing that metaphoric pill that challenges me.

After that day, I shared the story of that pathetic little man whose words may have been pulled out of his own rage but how it truly effected me, with a friend at work. She wanted to lose her own few pounds so we began walking, joined Weight Watchers together and then the gym. I kind of started out slow. Sure, I lost the first week worth of water weight. I have been known to lose 8 pounds in the first week and then it slows down. But this time, my friend rather cluelessly, brought me her fat clothes that she was growing out of. Ha! It was the one kick in the butt I needed! In the end, it was kind of like the tortoise and the hare. She stopped at ten and I went on to fifty! And that is when I realized, I am competitive! So competitive!

And looking back at last year, I realized that I challenged myself to lose fifty pounds. I wanted to lose twenty more but once I hit fifty, something happened. I set a goal for myself. It could be a certain number or a size I want to reach or a dress I want to fit into or an event I want to look good for and once I have reached that goal…. I kind of have a spiraling, melt down pattern. But all this contemplating the why and hows have made me realize that I am truly competitive. Even with me. I don’t need to beat the other guy. I can even challenge myself as I set new goals. Weight Watchers worked for me because I had to be accountable and weigh in each week. And if I have learned nothing else about me... I need accountability!

This new little fitbit contraption that was gifted to me last month works in a similar way. You have to check in daily and be accountable. But who am I really being accountable to? Nobody but little ole' me. that's who! It has made me try to beat myself. and try to really keep up with what are called badges! I can weigh in at home. I can monitor my life style and perhaps finally figure out that the challenge is just to be healthy. That is one that I haven’t mastered quite yet. To look good for me. To feel good for me. To just be better for me. To stop fighting myself. To stop competing with myself. To just being to be the best me I can be. It’s not a click or magic. You can’t bottle it as a pill. It is finding that place inside of you that is filled up from the inside out!

SAM I AM

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Posted : Jun 11, 2012 at 5:47AM

SAM I AM

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Posted : Jun 10, 2012 at 7:31AM-- edit

I used to be such a Charlie Brown in my life, indecisive and uncommitted and continually having the football yanked out from under me. Kicking that ball that wasn’t really there and finding myself flat on my back, with the world pulled out from under me, over and over again wondering what the heck went wrong. I have to admit now that those opportunities for kicking have come less and less because my trust levels have gone way down.

I used to be so gullible and trusted everyone…. but not so much anymore. I have caught myself waiting for the proverbial football to be yanked away and been surprised when it hasn’t. Sadly, I have been hurt enough times where I miss the opportunity to kick that goal and regret it later, knowing I could have earned one for the team if I had just trusted others more.
But really, what is one to do except turn into a SAM I AM… “I will not like them in a car, or a box or a house or on a train, I will not like them here or there… I will not like them ANYWHERE!!!! Geesh… is that what it has come down to? Relating to characters in someone else’s imagination? Hmmm… But really, don’t we all?
I mean, really, haven’t we all felt like the old woman in the shoe… even with one or two kids… we feel like we don’t know what to do… or how about Old Mother Hubbard… she went to her cupboard and it was empty. Okay, okay, are all nursery rhymes sad? No wonder we are so screwed up when we finally grow up. Let’s see can we think of any good ones? Well, little Jack Horner sat in a corner …and finally figured out he was a good boy after all. And Mary, Mary was quite contrary but even her garden grew. But then there is... London bridges that all fell down and ….”oh my” stop me now. What is my point?
My point is…. That we compartmentalize everything in life so much, that it is no wonder that my Therapist is not taking any new clients!

We have so many messages being thrown at us. Trust me… eat these green eggs… you will like them… I promise... I mean, how many people do I have to have following me around trying to convince me of things that I resist? I guess it all stems from my Charlie Brown days and that dumb football. It really hurt to trust over and over again only to be made a fool of and the fact is… Now, in this stage of my life I really do hate being talked into things but half the time I end up being glad I tried and even though it is hard to admit.... I do usually end up liking whatever it is I am resisting..... Sam I am.

Posted in : Diet & Weight Loss

Retrospect

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Posted : Jun 9, 2012 at 7:51AM

If I could describe my life in one word right now, I would have to say it would be Retrospect.
Retrospect:
A review, survey, or contemplation of things in the past. v. ret•ro•spect•ed, ret•ro•spect•ing, ret•ro•spects. v.intr. 1. To contemplate the ...
How totally and utterly perfect, I think as I looked up exact definitions of the word! That describes it to a Tee! My life that is, I am in the constant mode of evaluating where I have been. Carpe diem on the other hand means to seize the day! And that is my quest! To somehow get past all this focus on yesterday and to move forward. Sounds so easy hey?

Once upon a time, I wondered who I would be when I grew up, what I would do, where I would live, who I would fall in love with, I wondered about my children and how many I would have, if I would be a good mother, wife, friend… successful… and wondered what success would look like to me. In other words, my life was just beginning. My pages of my life’s story were just being filled. I was in such a hurry to know the ending. Now it seems as if I reached the ending way too soon. The book has been filled and I am wondering…. “now what?”

I have a young friend that just messaged me from Germany. She is traveling this summer. Ahh to be young again! It gave me a melancholy retrospective feeling of regret for a moment. Wishing that I had traveled more, or at all!

The other day I was walking to the beach with one of my best friends of about 30 years. I was seizing the day so to speak as I fell kerplop like a klutz. When you fall it usually hurts. When I fall, I tend to spring right back up with the kind of adrenalin rush that comes from shock and embarrassment. This time, not so much, this time, it really hurt. In fact, I am still not sure I didn’t damage something in my arm. It made me realize one thing. I may not be “old” but I am definitely not as young as I used to be.

In retrospect, I think I have gone through a few years of what my Therapist and my family might call depression but I think it is clearly me just being stuck in this place of retrospect as I “contemplate things of my past.” After that fall, I have to admit, I was a little fearful of even WALKING! Oh my gosh! Are you kidding me? I am not going to let that fall get me down! (No pun intended!)

Recently, my in-laws bought me a fitbit. It is this little computer chip that you wear to tell you about your day’s worth of activity. I received 2 notifications that I had already earned two badges! This little contraption has re-motivated me to brush myself off and keep going. My in-laws are amazing through knee replacements and back surgeries and health set backs, they are busier than me on most days! My mother in law’s favorite Uncle played a mean game of tennis well into his 80s!

So in retrospect, my nest may be empty and my hard lean body may need a little work and my attitude a slight adjustment but I know for today. I have switched out the word that describes my life from :Retrospect to Carpe diem! Seize the Day girl! Seize the day! Well, excuse me as I slip on my fitbit and go earn some more badges…. I am off for my morning walk!

Stopping to smell the flowers

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Posted : May 25, 2012 at 5:46AM

I remember this time of year, several years ago. I knew it was the last summer my last baby would be home before she moved out to go to school in the fall. I was already thinking of my empty nest at the end of May that year. That is actually how this whole blog began.... I had so many feelings that I didn't know what to do with and thought that other mothers might also and so I began writing about just empty nests at first and then it all kind of evolved from a survival journal to a story of my own second chapter.

Recently, I found an old file of poems and treasures that I almost threw away and it was kind of a metaphoric moment for me. It is so easy to just throw away things in our life. Not just papers or acutal physical things but memories and lessons and the ability to live in the moment. Re-reading those pages and looking at old photos and cards, made me realize that I have always been pretty sad and struggling to reach the surface of my life, gasping for air. I always seem to put myself in situations where I want more, or what I have is not enough. And when there is joy, skipping so quickly past it all that I miss it. I so "get" now, what stopping and smelling the flowers really is all about. It means so much more than stopping to smell that one flower. It is about a life style. Living life in the present. Not so fast! Slow down kind of way. Taste the first sip of coffee... Pray that first prayer of hope for a new day, not tomorrow but give God a chance to walk beside you, not having to run ahead to miss out on the moments you still need Him around....today.

I used to want the answers to all of my questions. Who the love of my life would be? What I would do in life? How I couldn't wait to be a mom. Now I am a grandma. When did that happen? In the blink of an eye. Really. To all young mother's out there. It happens that fast. When you want to pull your hair out because your baby won't stop crying or you can't even have a bathroom break alone. Take the time to sing songs to that baby who will someday be singing with you and then maybe even to you someday. And believe me there is plenty of time to go to the bathroom alone.

I started writing on this site when my last baby was leaving the nest. We planned to write a book together a few years before she moved out. We were going to pay her way with it! So funny. Maybe someday she will put all these stories together and add her own like we planned but for now, she is so busy and it is hard to believe that was all five years ago. When she moved out. She has been on her own, living her own life for five years! Life goes by so fast. Don't take one second of it for granted. Stop and smell the flowers!

You control your own destiny. You are the writer of your own story, the artist of your own Master Piece, the singer that writes the lyrics to your own song. And remember to live in the moment, while the words are written and the song is sung.... enjoy the process because you will always be an unfinshed work of art!
Diane R

Posted in : empty nest

And sometimes I am Inspired to just write what God puts in my heart.....

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Posted : May 22, 2012 at 6:21PM

Back in the days when I wrote constantly....Sometimes I would have to just write. When I was really in tune back in those days...here are a few examples....

Your eyes are searching for truth not seen...
truth that shall never materialize for you are looking for it, outside of your heart, but what I have for you, can only be found within~ Your search has been in vain for you search in lonely corners that hold nothing.
I am the only true source of truth. Look to ME. You must hold ME above all things. There is no room for anything else before ME.
Do not allow the large things that seem so huge in your life nor even the smallest part of the world to get in the way, The wisdom will be: to know the difference.
Quietly trust ME. Without the clanging of symbols or the shouting of words. A quiet and trusting heart pleases Me most. And I shall reward you in the silence, in the empty room of your heart, with the truth.
1985

Your doors shall be opened wide and your paths shall be cleared. Face the enemy with the same confidence as Daniel in the lion's den. Rely on ME and I will rescue you. So that you might glorify MY name. Your faithfulness shall be rewarded. Rest in MY Grace. Your persistence is like honey on MY tounge. Though your doubt is bitter in MY mouth, doubt no more for I will use you. I have chosen you to shine in the darkness. Your trials will bring victories. Gather my promises like lilies from the valley. I will shield you with stong armour made of the finest quality. And you shall be strengthened and regarded with high respect as you become known as one of Mine.
1985

Posted in :

Breaking

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Posted : May 22, 2012 at 6:05PM

Sometimes I use my tears for everything all at once,
I remember ALL the pain, I experience all the love that has passed me by,

I cry for the people who needed me when I wasn't there, for lost dogs in my life,
for dreams that should have come true and misunderstandings that should have never been
for death, and for life, and for those who never got a chance to live it.

Sometimes I use my tears to break all at once
to shed them until I am empty
so that I might be filled again.

Diane Griffin '90

Posted in :

Little Jewel

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Posted : May 22, 2012 at 5:52PM

Just a pebble in my own life
scarred and scratched upon the sand
but then you found me worthy
it's still hard to understand

You refined the roughened edges
brought a glow for all to see
and yet you used my broken life
Jesus, all in spite of me

Chorus:
I can hear you softly saying
Little Jewel shine for Me
Little Jewel shine for me

So unworthy in my own eyes
still uncut within your hands
like a jewel amidst the pebbles
hidden in the rocky sand

So unworthy in my own life
till you died and set me free
so you died for just a pebble
made a jewel on Calvary!

(repeat chorus)

Words by Diane Griffin '85
Music by Linda Hurst

Posted in :

Unborn Child Of Mine

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Posted : May 22, 2012 at 5:17PM

A life within a life
A miracle in God's plan,
Holding on to every movement
beneath the palm of my hand.

Both feeling safe within a world
only shared by two
though you are but a stranger now
Oh my unborn child...."I love you."

Diane Griffin '87

Posted in :

Lonliness

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Posted : May 22, 2012 at 5:13PM

A vacant glance

upon a once familiar face~

Two people so far away

within such a small place.

Diane Griffin '91

Posted in :

Terrible Twos

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Posted : May 22, 2012 at 5:09PM

Somewhere between the spills and the drips,
the smudges and dirt,
the changing his pants
and kissing his hurts,
picking up after the messes he makes,
I sit down and wonder during a two miunte break...

What in the world is a mother to do
when her precious angel reaches the terrible twos?
"Love him and hug him and don't let him go."
"Ignore his tantrums and his favorite word NO."

"Keep your harsh words buried deep down inside."
Are the wise words from one whose two year old died.
She'd give her life to hear his baby like laughter
or to have her little one to pick up after.
"It's too late for me." She says with a tear.
"But I know that you can get through this year."

Diane Griffin '82

Posted in :

Castles In The Sand

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Posted : May 22, 2012 at 5:00PM

Children playing in the sand
with wonder in their eyes
everythings so new to them
it makes me realize...

That my castles have all washed away
no, they no longer stand
they've fallen just like all my dreams
back into the sand.

A child's life is filled with trust
and lots of make believe
they love today, my yesterdays,
now only memories.

Paper dolls and pretend
Balloons and teddy bears,
and most of all the simple faith
that Jesus hears our prayers.

Oh give to me that simple joy
that fills their little hearts,
the innocence of their faith
that sets mine far apart..

Diane Griffin '85

Posted in :

The Choice

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Posted : May 22, 2012 at 4:54PM

Though shaded by images not yet revealed to me
the sorrow of their being here, steals my security.
Bound within their presence, I can't seem to escape
the luring of their glow, hidden behind the drapes.

Like a curtain, drawn and opened my life has become
a division of good and evil uncommited to just one.
Drawn into the darkness and lost within the night
I listen to the urgency, to the screaming of the light.

In the darkness of the moment, I know the importance of my choice
and begin to understand as I hear the softness of His voice.
The fight about me magnifies as I find I love the LIGHT the most
and then hurry past the line as the Kindgom's gates are closed!

That's when I finally recognize
the scars upon the Hand
that's reaching out to rescue me
from eternity with the damned.

Diane Griffin '85

Posted in :

The Cacoon

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Posted : May 22, 2012 at 4:45PM

Somewhere within me, there is a place
where not even I care to roam
a place, that I know is there
but just perhaps, would be better left alone.

And though it struggles to be known
Oh to escape the weaker side,
I realize that it is here,
the place my dreams go to hide.

Something within me fights the desire
and yet something stronger still,
breaks through my inhibitions
and recognizes my will

and then the cacoon has unraveled
and a butterfly trembles in the light
my dreams have been discovered
and my will has won the fight

and though I cannot fly just yet
I still spread my wings in bloom
as I discover the new strength
that's freed me from the cacoon.

Diane Griffin '85

Posted in :

Broken

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Posted : May 22, 2012 at 1:01PM

Broken by the love we had,
into the night I cried
consumed by dreams we once shared
beneath a love that's died

The light within the darkness
keeps me holding on
like an image of a shadow,
a love once here now gone.

Your eyes hold an emptiness
familiar to my own
ready to let go of you
afraid to be alone

And so I give it to the Lord
and put it in His hands
For we both know that in His will
we'll soon understand His plan.

Diane Griffin '85

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